


don't hold back, I want to break free

by basl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Established Relationship, F/F, Hair, Introspection, Phandom Fic Fests: Bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 10:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16173551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basl/pseuds/basl
Summary: Phil was wrong last night, she was not a stranger she was just wearing a disguise. And now she feels like she finally took it off.or Phil wants to have short hair.





	don't hold back, I want to break free

**Author's Note:**

> I'm projecting so hard on this one. It's been almost a year since I cut my hair very short for the first time so this means a lot to me. I hope you like it and also sorry for all the rhetorical questions.
> 
> This fic is for the gender changes prompt in my bingo card.
> 
> Spanish is my first language, sorry for any mistakes. I'm still more a reader than a writer so this might be a mess.

Phil can’t remember a worse feeling than standing in front of a mirror and not recognizing yourself. Worse than the pain in her knee when she was six and fell off the swing, worse than spending her first night away at uni or having to flush her dead fish down the toilet because she just couldn’t keep it alive. Right now, looking at the mirror, she just feels dull, empty, manufactured. This is not her.

She doesn’t tell Dani because she would think it is stupid, Phil herself knows it is stupid to be feeling so much over something this simple. No one said she was being rational though, so she just brushes her teeth mechanically and gets out of the bathroom, she needs to lay in bed and just… stop thinking.

>>>

People always love Phil’s hair, it is long and straight and black -black because the hair dye- it always gets her compliments because apparently, it suits her, because when the wind blows and it dances around it makes her look marvelous or some shit like that.

Dani loves it, Phil knows she does. She likes to play with it when they are lying on the bed and to wash it when they shower together, sometimes she brushes it for Phil before they go to sleep. And for some reason, Phil hates that, she hates that her girlfriend likes her long hair. She hates that Dani has it very short because she doesn’t care. But Phil cares, she cares too much that she doesn’t even know what is it that she cares about. What would Dani think if she cuts it? What would her mother think? What would all the people on the internet think about her? Does she care about that? Does it really matter?

A memory plays in her head, being fifteen years old, sitting in the kitchen table with her mum, saying ‘what if I cut my hair really short’, her mother looking at her like she is sizing her up and replying ‘But you like it long don’t you?’ And does she like it? Had she ever liked it? Or was she just always thinking that she did just because her mother told her so. Why was her mother so scared about? It was just hair back then and it is just hair right now.

But if it is just hair, why does everything feel so wrong?

>>>

She walks to the bed, her stupid hair tied in a bun that feels too heavy. Dani has been already under the covers, looking at her phone. Phil wishes she looked up, wishes she was looking at her, wishes she would realize how much Phil was holding in. But she doesn’t, so Phil gets under the duvet too, and kisses her cheek and hears her hum a good night as she turns on her side.

>>>

Her mum used to love to style her hair when she was a kid, her blondish baby hair. She would wake Phil up a little earlier in the mornings so she would have time to braid it and put a ribbon on it. Her dad will always compliment it and her brother would always pull on it. 

She was never a rebellious kid, she always wanted to make her mother happy. That’s why she never went to the hairdresser and asked to get rid of all the fucking hair, even when she was old enough to go by herself, because it would make her mother sad and because she was sure she would never suit short hair. She would dye it, she would let the fringe grow longer, but she would never cut too much past the tips.

>>>

She doesn’t know how much time passes before Dani puts her phone down. She lies very still on her side, feels Dani’s hand wrap around her waist and pulls her closer. If it was any other night she would feel instantly better, she would relax into the touch, switch off the annoying thoughts and go to sleep. But tonight she feels betrayed, tonight the soft touch of her girlfriend’s hand on her stomach is not enough to calm her racing mind.

And is not even about Dani liking her hair, she knows in her heart that Dani doesn’t care what her hair looks like. Phil knows what this is about, who this is about. 

Phil hates to be upset with her mum, she hates it so much it hurts her chest and makes her want to cry. But this has been weighing Phil’s heart for so long, for so many years she has repressed everything and she can’t keep doing that. She wonders if her mother would mind if she cuts her hair now, would she get that look on her face like she hates it but has to mask it so Phil doesn’t get mad? Why did her mother even mind? Why did Phil mind? She was an adult, she loved her mum but whatever Phil did with her hair wasn’t any of her business. 

It was easier to think like that when she was angry though. In reality, Phil will always care what her mother thinks of her.

>>>

Hair is so stupid. It gets everywhere when it’s not tied, it gets tangled, when is windy it goes to your face and gets in your mouth, when you get a shower it takes forever to rinse all the shampoo off it, it gets easily pulled and it’s so heavy. So fucking heavy.

Dani’s body goes lax behind Phil, her grip around her waist loosens. She waits a couple minutes before moving, turning around to face Dani. She is beautiful when she is sleeping, but to be fair, she is always beautiful. Phil could look at her face all day, right now, though, she wants to stare at her hair.

She is so jealous, it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes she can’t even remember how Dani looked with long hair, Phil would see a picture and it would take her a second to realize that yes, that’s the woman she loves, that she looked like that almost ten years ago. Still so beautiful but very different. And then Phil would look at the person beside Dani in those pictures and hate to recognize herself, always looking the same.

Dani is probably stronger, she went through a lot of shit too, but she learned to stand up for herself, to punch right back. She was so happy when she cut her hair for the first time, Phil would never forget the look on her face when she looked at herself in the mirror, her eyes lighted up and her smile was so big, even her dimples showed up to the party. Phil was so happy for her because she was doing what she wanted to do, and when she got the hateful comments from the people on the internet she didn’t even care, she just kept cutting it.

Phil can’t help it, she is jealous of Dani’s bravery, maybe one day she can lend Phil some. 

>>>

Phil can’t remember what time she fell asleep last night, thinking about her hair. She feels stupid, she shouldn’t be letting this make her feel so bad, but is the only thing she can think about, especially when she knows that her hair escaped from the tie and she can feel how a bunch of it is trapped under Dani’s body and she is going to pull it if she tries to get up.

“Hey,” she calls softly, she can’t turn around. “Dani.” 

“I’m up,” she answers.

“My hair got under you.”

“Shit, sorry babe.” She feels Dani moving, she manages to only pull slightly while she pushes herself up and away from Phil.

“‘s fine.” Once she is free, Phil turns around. Dani is sitting with her back against the headboard of the bed, her hair is messy in a cute way with soft curls at the top going every which way. 

Phil’s hair is not like that, it is messy in a messy way. Tangled all around, the way she knows it will hurt a little when she tries to brush it. Just the thought makes her instantly grumpy.

“Good morning.” 

“Morning.” She sighs. “Going to the bathroom.” Dani nods and Phil gets up.

>>>

Phil is in the same place she was last night, looking at herself in the mirror, but this time she is also holding a pair of scissors. 

She could cut it, she would make a mess, but she could cut it. She doesn’t want it anymore, she just needs it cut right now. Phil ties the hair in a low ponytail, she knows she can’t do it herself, but she can’t wait a minute longer.

“Dani!” She calls from the bathroom. “Come here, please.”

Dani must hear something in Phil’s voice because she is right there in no time.

“What are you doing?” She sounds confused, looking between Phil and the scissors.

“Please cut it.”

Apparently, Dani catches right up. “Phil, I can’t, I don’t know how.”

“Doesn’t matter.” She feels reckless today.

“Let’s get dressed, I’m sure we can find a salon…”

“Don’t wanna wait, Dani, please cut it.”

There must be something in her voice, maybe it is the determination that she has been hoping for because Dani looks at her one last time and takes the scissors from Phil’s hand, she puts her hand on Phil’s shoulder indicating her to turn around and face the mirror again.

“This is going to be a disaster,” Dani warns her.

“I don’t care, need it off.” 

“You want me to cut the whole tail?” Phil locks her gaze with Dani’s through the mirror and nods.

Dani lifts the scissors to the ponytail and locates the hair between the blades. “I’m left handed.” She reminds Phil, but she couldn’t care less. She prefers Dani fucks her hair up before having it long any minute longer.

She hears Dani take a deep breath and then she feels the blades closing slowly, it’s a light pull, the tail is too thick to be cut in one go. Phil stops looking at the mirror, she just can’t look at herself.

She is so scared, she wonders if it would look good or if she would have to wear hair extensions for a while. Is her mum going to like it? Is Dani going to like it? Is she herself going to like it?

She can feel it when Dani cuts the last bunch of hairs, she hears the scissors close and Dani seems to just release the air she took when she started cutting. Phil feels her hand on her hair, she hears the scissors opening and closing again, a soft whine in the otherwise silent bathroom. Phil still can’t lift her gaze.

“Look up, Phil,” Dani whispers and she obeys.

Phil was wrong last night, she was not a stranger she was just wearing a disguise. And now she feels like she finally took it off.

“You are so pretty,” Dani speaks again, softly. 

Phil feels herself shrinking, her arms wrapping around herself and hot tears dripping down her cheeks. Dani pulls at her quickly, enveloping her in a firm embrace.

“It’s okay.” Phil knows it’s okay, everything feels so right it’s overwhelming.

She realizes something. “It’s not her fault,” she knows Dani is not going to understand, she has no way to know about Phil’s last night internal battle. Now Phil knows it was not her mum’s fault, she probably never intended to hurt Phil, she had no way to know Phil would internalize it, that it would affect the way she felt about herself so much. “She didn’t want people to call me names, she thought I would look too…” manly. 

“We don’t think like that.” Dani reminds her. Phil doesn’t think like that anymore but there was a time when she did, a time when it hurt to be different to the other girls. When her mum gifted her skirts and dresses and took her makeup shopping.

“I like your hair so much, I was so jealous.” She confesses, finally separating herself from Dani to look at her face.

“We can go to the salon and someone can cut it like that for you.” Phil shakes her head, she actually likes what Dani did and she can admit to herself that chin length looks good on her.

“You know your mum didn’t mean it right?” Dani asks after a while. “She grew up thinking that long hair was synonymous of femininity. It’s always about our fucked up society.”

“Yeah, I guess she was holding on on the lonely one symbol of my femininity. I mean, I used to wear Martyn’s shirts. She probably thought I was a lesbian.”

“You are.”

“I am.” Phil finally feels like smiling again so she does. “But not because I wore my brother’s clothes.”

“She probably knows that now. She learned a lot. And so did you.”

“Thank you for doing this Dani. I really needed it.”

“It was my pleasure, totally.”

“Yeah? Not going to miss the long hair?” Phil really hopes the answer is no.

“Nah, you could be bald and I’ll still love you.” Dani takes Phil’s hand and pulls her out of the bathroom, letting the mess of hair behind.

“Maybe I should shave my head.”

“I’m into that.” They both laugh.

Phil has never felt freer.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, come to say hi @babethepig on Tumblr.
> 
> Title from Slip Away by Perfume Genius.
> 
> You can [here](http://babethepig.tumblr.com/post/178684173545/dont-hold-back-i-want-to-break-free).


End file.
